Dreams when you're 30

We've all had dreams about being back in college. . .

*****Entering Dream Sequence*******

Everyone around me is so excited about next year! The summer has been great, but we are all doing something new this year. Some of us are studying abroad, some are applying to graduate school, some are getting their first jobs, and others are just trying to figure out their class scheduled.

Fraught with possibilities, I start brain storming! Instead of going to Germany, I could study in Italy. I could learn Italian and make new friends, and come back singing opera! Or I could apply for law school. I could really challenge myself to hit the LSAT books and sign up for the test... Or gee, I should take that math class finally and graduate and get out of here.

*****Exiting Dream Sequence*******

OMG. Wait. Didn't I already graduate from college? I passed that math class and I can prove it! I studied in Germany, and I even moved back to Germany for awhile after college. I traveled to Italy. I don't need to find a place to live because I already have one. Also, I already went to graduate school. Shit! I wrote a thesis and everything!

******Totally Awake*******

I have a job. I have responsibilities. I want to go to Europe, but I can't afford it. I should have been lawyer. Damn. Being 21 was awesome.

Finding purpose

My buddy KG suggested I meet a friend of hers, HL, who has quite a lot of experience in resume writing, and networking. Unfortunately we were only able to "meet" through email, but I did receive a lot of professional networking tips, and resume help which I greatly appreciate. HL suggested I do a personality test, maybe the Meyers Briggs, which I did about 4 years ago in a leadership class for my Master's degree. (That degree is TOTALLY paying for itself right now. *sarcasm*)

ENFP/ENFJ - Extroverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Perceiving/Judging (I'm about 50/50 on the P/J)

HL wrote me back saying, "I'm an INFJ - borderline introvert/extrovert, so we are pretty close! We both need some serious 'purpose' when it comes to our career pursuits!"

Purpose. Yeah that's exactly what I need. I'm not one of those people who can just take any job. I need to care about work; I need to know the company's purpose, my boss' purpose, my co-workers' purpose, and my own purpose. It's actually purpose that I've been struggling with all along in my current position, and the fact that I feel like I have none.

Overall, my company is educational, so we have a great purpose! My department is struggling to figure out its place in the company, and is made up of individuals who don't have a clear idea of the company's mission, or they are out for their own purpose. When I started here, I thought my purpose was to keep people together, and create new and innovative programs. I really felt for a long time that we could do some strategic planning, and give the department some vision to move forward. Recently I feel like this purpose has been diminished to cleaning up messes, and just keeping the peace (barely) between people who are content with mediocrity. Furthermore, I realized this is not going away any time soon.

On a positive note -- I'm a stellar problem solver! But, I don't want problem solving and fixing other people's messes to be the purpose for my life. There is this whole creative side of me that needs to be realized, and I'm driving myself crazy trying to figure out what it is. If I'm going to clean up a mess, I'd rather it be my own.

Here's a workout

1 mile

12 sit ups on incline bench
12 RDLs
12 sit ups on incline bench
12 RDLs
12 sit ups on incline bench
12 RDLs

1 mile

12 over head weights (15 lb each arm)
12 side sit ups on incline (25 lb weight)
12 over head weights (15 lb each arm)
12 side sit ups on incline (25 lb weight)
12 over head weights (15 lb each arm)
12 side sit ups on incline (25 lb weight)

1 mile

12 TRX pushups
12 TRX hip extensions
12 TRX pushups
12 TRX hip extensions
12 TRX pushups
12 TRX pushups

12 TRX pullups
12 leg up/arm up sit ups
12 TRX pullups
12 leg up/ arm up sit ups
12 TRX pullups
12 leg up/arm up sit ups

stretch

I really need to figure out what these exercises are really called. I'm sorry if no one understands what the hell I'm talking about. Anyway, I'm enjoying my new workouts so far. :)

Lifestyle Coaching Today

The lifestyle coach told me almost exactly what I thought. There is no amount of exercise that will take the place of food, and it needs to be a balance of both exercise and eating. She did make me feel better about my weight, saying that I don't really need to lose weight. But, if I chose to lose weight, I need to experiment with my metabolism. Of course, she suggested a food journal. Ugh.

Experimenting with my metabolism is something that I've tried to do. I've logged my food into websites like www.sparkpeople.com, and I always come up over the limit. WAY over calories, or WAY over fat, or WAY over protein. By dinner I'm frustrated, and hungry. I've also tried small meals. Eating smaller meals, and more per day does not make me less hungry; it also doesn't allow me to go out to eat. As soon as I go out to a restaurant, my brain is screaming, "FEED ME SEYMOUR!" Also, as soon as alcohol consumption comes into play, it's all over. You might as well have skipped breakfast.

Side note: Maybe I should have a couple glasses of wine for breakfast. I could get the early morning breakfast calories, and have a nice rush to start my day . . . or fall asleep. . . ok, bad idea.

The good news is the lifestyle coach told me I shouldn't worry about my weight (although I'd still like to lose 5 pounds). She also told me that my body is craving protein and fat because I need protein and fat. I also drink PLENTY of water on a daily basis, so I'm good there. The other good news is now I've made myself accountable to 3 full-time employees at the gym. It will be difficult to avoid them, and they will ask me questions like, "How's it going?" I don't want to have to tell them that I made it to the gym, even after eating a burrito and drinking a bottle of wine.

I guess I'll keep exercising harder to earn that burrito. Oh yeah, and the wine. Oh and try not to over eat. Lots of exercise in my future.

How I ruined my day off

1 day off
1 resume
1 talk with a friend (about above resume)
1 nervous breakdown
-1 workout
1 ruined day

Worth It

Legs. Butt. Hurt. So. Bad.

Instead of jumping up and down on my own two feet, I feel like someone twice my size jumped up and down on my legs. I got up again at 5:50am this morning to hit the gym, and I could barely get out of bed. After swallowing two ibuprofen and convincing myself that it's not that bad, I did 30 minutes on the elliptical, and another 30 minutes running (slow) on the treadmill, followed by stretching. Now it is almost 5:00pm and I can barely move. Geez.

I fell asleep last night watching The Biggest Loser and wondered how those people feel after their first day with Bob and Jillian - especially since many of them have never worked out at all. It can't be comfortable. They must be thinking the same thing I am:

"Is the pain really worth it?"

Luckily, with exercise, I've been through this kind of soreness enough times to know that it will eventually go away and I will be a stronger person because I will have worked through it. Many others may chose to give up not knowing that they could have been stronger, or they will just start over and feel the pain again.

Unfortunately, I ask myself if the pain is really worth it in my current job - and I don't have such a well-defined answer. It's difficult to get out of bed, I feel stuck, unable to move, and don't see how this experience is making me any stronger. I also feel like I'm not growing and it's completely debilitating. Ibuprofen (or wine) doesn't help. It just hurts. The only reason I don't give up completely is that it's probably better than having no job at all. But, damn. That's depressing.

Next to my desk at work, I have a copy of the serenity prayer:

"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference; living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, accepting hardship as a pathway to peace..."

Instead of dwelling on things out of my control, I'm really trying to focus on those things that know I can endure, and continue to work through them so that it makes me stronger.

Plyometrics

1 early morning (5:50 am)
1 personal training session
1 million lunges
1 million core exercises
2 exaggerations
133 pounds

Plyometrics (also known as "plyos") is a type of exercise training designed to produce fast, powerful movements, and improve the functions of the nervous system, generally for the purpose of improving performance in sports. Plyometric movements, in which a muscle is loaded and then contracted in rapid sequence, use the strength, elasticity and innervation of muscle and surrounding tissues to jump higher, run faster, throw farther, or hit harder, depending on the desired training goal. (Wikipedia)

Today I met Dan, my personal trainer for the next 5 weeks. Dan introduced me to plyometrics. I finally understand what those adjustable cords tied to the wall of the gym were for! There are other methods of plyos, like jumping up on boxes and using resistance bands which we may get into. Stay tuned.

Basically, anything new will kick your ass. In a good way. It hasn't been 24 hours, and I'm already sore. Tomorrow will be interesting.

I learned a few new things about exercise and about my own abilities. First, my legs are pretty strong but I need to work on my hamstrings, which are one of the most under worked area of the legs for most people. Dan showed me the correct form for lifting weights to target hamstrings. I'd done these similar weights for years, but incorrectly. To to them correctly, you actually get to stick your butt out. I've always had this idea in my head that you shouldn't stick your booty out, but I was wrong. There is some booty-sticking-outing that supports your back and legs. Second, I learned that after years of doing core exercises at least once a week, that I still have some work to do. Again, form is very important. Lastly, unless you are body building, there is no reason to spend a day on legs, a day on arms, a day on shoulders, etc. I'm going to learn some new full-body moves that can work my entire body.

Today, I also realized my worst fear. I need some nutrition help. Although Koleen said I didn't have a weight problem, I would like to lose a couple of pounds or at least a couple pounds of fat. Dan suggested I meet with the club lifestyle coach, so I made an appointment with her next week. Argh. My worst fear is that she's going to tell me exactly what I don't want to hear: I need to count calories, I eat too much cheese, I drink too much wine.

Changing habits is not just losing weight or getting into better shape. This is the #1 mistake of those I'm-going-to-lose-weight-for-my-wedding diets. Sure, you might look fantastic in wedding photos, but it will come back unless you are willing to change FOREVER. That's the part about nutrition that I'm not sure about. I'm going to have to give up massive cheese consumption - FOREVER? OMG.

This next week, I will incorporate as much plyos into my routine as possible and practice what I learned today. I will also eat massive amounts of cheese until someone tells me not to. :)

My Exercise Physiologist says I'm just fine.

You may remember a few years ago when I had my BMI measured and I was considered "fair." Well I had a licensed, degreed professional tell me that those doctors/trainers/people are idiots. Her exact words. *Holding up arms in a victory sign*

My EP, Kolleen, told me that between 19 and 25 percent is a healthy amount of body fat for women. Women working on strength training or muscle slenderizing can go all the way down to 12%, but not lower than 12% - those are the scary muscle women with veins popping about. I have 20.7% body fat, which is in the recommended range. Thank you very much. I'd like to see if I can lose 1% body fat.

I asked my EP about calorie counting. Recently I've been tracking my calories online and I'm over the allotted 1,200-1,500 calories like, everyday. She told me I don't have a weight problem, and I don't need to count calories. (See why I like this woman?) I'm not going to count calories, but work for every single one. I'm also going to try and not over-eat.

I've signed up for 5 sessions with a personal trainer. I will learn something new - my sessions start next Tuesday.

Vacation Recommendation

0 snow (Sorry everyone else. It's warm here.)
1 lazy day
1 day of grazing instead of eating
6 miles run

It was suggested by my uberboss (the boss of my boss) that I might need a vacation. I agree.
Boyfriend is feeling better, which is a great thing because we are leaving for Las Vegas tomorrow. I am not really a Vegas person. I lived there for 9 months. It sucked. During my online dating days, I would purposely go through profiles of men who posted pictures of themselves in Vegas - striped shirt, holding a cocktail, standing with blacked out buddies or smudged out women in party dresses. I think this helped me avoid some serious douchebags.

Anyhoo. . . I digress. . .

I will admit Las Vegas is a pretty fun place to go as a tourist though. This trip will also be the first time boyfriend and I have flown anywhere in an airplane together. I'm hoping for 4 fun days of eating, drinking (responsibly of course), and probably not exercising (unless strutting around in heals counts). Good thing I got that 6-miler out of the way today. Looking forward to starting over the exercise regimen next week.

See you in a week!

Maintenance

1 lifestyle coaching scheduled
1 sick boyfriend
1 spin class
1 fond memory

And now I recall getting my butt kicked by people 20 years older than me.

I went back to my favorite spin class for the first time in about 8 months last night. Mark, the instructor, works out harder than anyone else, and leads the class with a series of quarter, half and full turns on the bike. I find this much more effective (and difficult) than "you are going up a hill," or "you are now on a flat road" imho. I've decided most beginners, like me, have no clue what a real hill or flat road feel like, really. It's also better to know what you are *supposed* to be feeling, and adjusting (backing off) as necessary instead of taking it easy.

A year ago, after kicking ass in his spin class for a couple of weeks, Mark asked if I'd like to join a group of classmates on a real bike ride - the "Saturday Casual Coffee Caravan (CCC ride)." I loaded my road bike into the car and headed to south San Jose for what I thought was a 25 mile bike ride to Morgan Hill and back, with a coffee stop between. Sounds good, right? I mean - these people are 15-20 years older than me. I'm super fit and awesome! . . .

My first realization was that pumping your legs at 16 MPH on a bike is anything but "casual" to a non-rider. But, everyone in the group was super supportive, and all told me I was doing great. On the way back to San Jose, they decided I could handle a monstrous hill affectionately called "The Wall" which I totally (but slowly) nailed.

Like a child I asked, "Are we there yet?"

Unfortunately it was the final 14 miles after The Wall that totally kicked my ass. I had been beaten by a group of 45-50 year-olds. These people were lean, mean, bike riding machines and I had no idea what I was getting myself into. What is their secret? I think growing up is the ability to maintain, especially while pedaling slowly up a hill. Then being able to pedal some more after your ass is thoroughly kicked.

I'm not ready to go back on a CCC ride yet. At least spin class was fun.

Day 1

1 Starbucks low-fat Greek yoghurt
1 coffee
1 close-call nervous breakdown
1 burrito
3 miles ran
30 minutes core workout
131.5 pounds

It's been a better week. The close-call nervous breakdown of today was not the total-complete flip out of last week, when I realized that I'm sick of working in ho-hum mediocrity, and I'm better than this. So, there are about 30 resumes and cover letters out there with my name on it, which was accomplished in 2 days. Yes. 30 in 3 days.

Unknowing if I can keep up with the 10-resume-a-day pace for very long, I've decided to focus on personal fitness research because exercise is the only thing that makes me feel accomplished and normal. The interesting thing about research is that the author typically starts out wanting to learn more about one topic - in this case personal fitness - then the research turns out to be about something else completely. The author can not be stuck to a certain topic; the author must be able to go back and re-write, and re-hypothesize. This may begin research on my exercise habits, and end up a story about finding a lost relative, or meeting Kanye West. I'm open to change.

Since I'm a fan of researching theories dealing with life and exercise, I've come up with a few hypothesis:

Hypothesis #1: If I can set a personal half marathon record at my heaviest weight ever, then using exercise to accomplish a better looking body is a better choice. Being good-looking is really all that matters in society anyway. Clearly it didn't work when I tried to break a personal record and look better in the process. If I exercise to look better, maybe I'll set another personal record.

Hypothesis #2: If I can't figure out what the hell I'm doing in many aspects of my life, then it is time to seek professional help. I'm taking advantage of the free lifestyle coaching, fitness consultation, and free personal training session at my gym. Maybe by the end of this adventure I'll be seeing a psychologist too. I'm starting out small.

Hypothesis #3: There is no better time than the present to begin a new adventure. I'm beginning this "new" research on a Tuesday, and only 4 days before I go to Las Vegas. The next 4 days of exercise will be completely ruined by steak dinners, wine drinking, and Superbowl snacks. Then I'll have to start over again. But that's ok. When you're ready - you're ready.