I felt the need to add onto, or perhaps give a different perspective to Saba's latest post re: the desire for a community. I just had dinner with NoBo, one of my best girlfriends last night. Besides heartburn from Chinese food, we also had a heartfelt discussion about the past and anticipation for the future.
NoBo and my relationship is the product of college, when there used to be 4 girls who were very good friends. One by one each girl seemed to check off the boxes (sometimes a bit out of order), but we endured most things together: crushes, boyfriends, husbands... but suddenly babies came along and everything changed.
Long story short - Misunderstandings and rumors led to bad events, thus a couple of the girls began plucking friends off the vine as they saw fit. NoBo and I were both plucked. Neither of us have really understood why, but I figure it comes from the need for communal change. These "pluckers" have found a community with family and children, and apparently didn't feel that we fit their community criteria.
Unfortunately these events have greatly diminished MY sense of community. I've moved a lot, but I didn't realize that a community could leave YOU. I can't say there has been a crush or boyfriend in my life who has devastated me as much as these two girlfriends.
My community has greatly changed in two years. I currently tend to think of my community as all of my friends, acquaintances, and networking connections. As people become busy checking off all of life's boxes, we begin to see each other less and less. Each relationship is different than the other, and each fulfills a need that each person has. Although NoBo and I have checked off different boxes, we still make time to go out to dinner, have coffee, shop, or go to a concert together. We still fulfill a need that the other has.
This is true with all relationships. I think we tend to make time for those we need, and those who fulfill us and bless us in different ways.
I am also always in search for community involvement, but find that I often stretch myself thin in order to fulfill myself in a variety of ways. A personality profile says that I tend to hang on too long to relationships that I know should end. (This profile was in the context of romantic relationships, but it may be true for others.)
Maybe this means that my ex-girlfriends knew something that I didn't... Maybe in order to build a strong community, you need to get rid of those who don't match the criteria. I can't help but find that incredibly sad.
No comments:
Post a Comment