Dear Abby,

This is an actual email I received from a male friend, and my response.

the girl:

we were in an open relationship together, which meant to me that we were free to date and have people on the side but nothing serious. when she cancelled the trip 10 days before we left i got pissed and wouldn't speak to her for a couple of days so i wouldn't say something i would regret later. then she started ignoring me which pissed me off so i wasn't going to be the first to break the silence. finally did the night before i left and thought we had worked some stuff out. told her that i was real pissed about what she did but still cared about her. came back two weeks later without hearing a word from her and found that she was serious about this new guy. from she told me it started as a side gig about 2 months before i left and didn't get serious till i was gone. in the 13 days i was gone i guess it got pretty serious cause now she's not comfortable sleeping with me and no longer is physically afffectionate at all. i can't even figure out why i still want to be with her considering she fucked me over twice. but still want to be with her. makes me feel like a pathetic loser. and raises all these self confidence issues that i don't like dealing with. been a shitty couple of weeks. and i see her at least twice a day at the gym. trying to get her to just decide so i can either move on or move forward with her. have a feeling i'm going to be moving on. i'll get over it eventually but sucks right now. haven't found someone i like this much or this attracted to in years. actually like her enough to quit fucking other women and be monogamous. but while this is up in the air i started talking to my x in san diego more and went down to visit her and she's coming upto my mom's next weeknd to visit me. and need to patch things up with my fuck buddy but haven't had a night free to see her in a couple of weeks. whcih i think she is pretty pissed over.

Dear______,

Ok, I feel the need to give advice. Take it or leave it.

Many women will say they want an open relationship for two reasons #1) They are waiting for something better. #2) Because they will go to any lengths to be with you, even if it means lying (to you and themselves) and agreeing to what you want.

So, this girl either #1) Found something better. #2) Was tired of lying to you, and really wanted a monogamous relationship, which she found with someone else.

No offense, but your situation proves that monogamy is just a part of human existence. (We are, afterall, not fish. BTW fish don't have sex for pleasure.) If you can't commit to a person, that person will eventually leave you and find someone who will commit, even if they SAY that's not what they want/need. Remember ___ and his girlfriend? They opened the relationship when he went abroad, and she found another guy who wanted to commit to her.

I don't think she fucked you over at all if you called it an "open" relationship. She's "open" to leave you at any time. Any "loser" feelings you have are self-inflicted. If you really care about this girl, you fucked yourself over. Sorry.

My friend, you ARE a case study. You are smart, good-looking, well-traveled and interesting and you date girls with no self confidence. Instead of using your brain or your heart, you decide to go completely against the grain, and ruin your own self confidence. Please stop listening to Tom Leykis and make friends with some happy couples.