God deserves a major salary increase.

THE DEAN:
Leaps tall buildings with a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to God

THE DEPARTMENT CHAIR:
Leaps short buildings with a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Walks on calm water
Talks with God

A PROFESSOR:
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with God only occasionally

AN ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR:
Barely clears a Quonset hut
Loses a tug-of-war with a locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Talks with people who talk to God

AN ASSISTANT PROFESSOR:
Makes high marks on the wall when attempting a leap over
Is run over by locomotive
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Treads water
Talks to animals

LECTURER:
Climbs the walls continually
Rides the rails
Plays Russian Roulette
Walks on thin ice
Prays a lot

A GRADUATE STUDENT:
Runs into buildings
Recognizes a locomotive two out of three times
Must not be issued ammunition
Can stay afloat with a life jacket
Talks to the walls

AN UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT:
Falls over doorsteps
Says “Look a the cho-cho”
Wets himself with a water pistol
Plays in puddles
Talks to himself

THE DEPARTMENT ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANT:
Lifts tall buildings and walks under them
Kicks locomotives off the tracks
Catches bullets in his or her teeth and eats them
Freezes water with a single glance
Is God