Bay Area, I heart you!

I just got back from a weekend in Vegas after a two year boycott of the Silver State. Reason for visit: to reconnect with good friends for a 50th birthday celebration and a baby shower. (Not for the same person, obviously.)

During my visit, my host-friend and I discussed Money Magazine's 2006 Best Places to Live. He has been thinking seriously about moving to Fishers, Indiana (#33) to raise a daughter and be closer to family. A California native, he solicited my Midwestern advice to what I thought about leaving Las Vegas to move to Indiana. My response was this: "Anywhere is better than Las Vegas. I would actually consider moving to Iowa again before I would go back to Vegas. That's not even taking a child into consideration." I would actually be hard-pressed to move back to Iowa, even if I could afford more things.

My friend owns a 2000 square foot house with a beautifully landscaped back yard and pool that he paid $250,000 for when he bought it in 2002. Needless to say, it's worth considerably more now, but not even close to the 2 million it would probably cost in the Bay Area. He would be able to double his purchasing power if he were to move his family to the Midwest. I wonder: Is it worth it to have a perfect home, when the city outside has nothing to offer? My friend and I have different opinions. The aspiration to have a perfect home that you never leave doesn't appeal to me. What appeals to me is the culture outside of the house. I like to go - leave - scat - gehe - vamos!

So, I would like to take this opportunity to forget about my tiny apartment and having to live paycheck to paycheck to appreciate the Bay Area and all it has to offer. There is no where else I'd rather live, than in a crappy apartment amidst this beautiful area! I mean, accommodations are so meager, that you HAVE to get out of the house and enjoy the following:

* Proximity to San Francisco, Tahoe, Santa Cruz (the beach), Sonoma and Napa (wine country)
* Major airport within 10 miles - there will be NO 2 hour drives after getting off the plane
* Diversity - anything imported to buy or any cuisine available within 10 miles
* Education - 40% of Silicon Valley have attended some college
* Arts Culture - Opera, museums, symphonies, festivals
* Sights - hikes, bike rides, and swims are breathtaking

Mom would be so proud.

It's wedding season

I've been notorious for going stag to weddings, sitting at a table with couples or by the “other” single person, dancing slow dances with the cute little ring bearer, and being the only person over 20 to participate in the bouquet toss. (At my cousin’s wedding, it landed at my feet, and I just stood there staring at it... I think the flower girl picked it up.) I've watched one by one as my friends have planned this fabulous tradition, and there have definitely been some good ones - a touching ceremony, excellent food, great music, and the sentiment of an inspirational couple who are madly in love with each other. But, there have been others that, although most of the elements were in place, the sentiment perplexed me.

Now, being happily in a relationship, I’ve realized it’s not singledom, or the traditional bouquet toss, or even the wedding itself that's bothersome. It's the spectacle. Furthermore, it's the 1950’s expectation that everything should be perfect and the uncomfortable reaction (usually from the bride - sorry ladies, you know it's true) when it’s not.

If a wedding is supposed to be a happy event, why do couples (usually the bride) go so far as to make it an unhappy event for themselves? Should a wedding be sentimental or a spectacle?

I've been in the performing arts my entire life. I believe there is a major difference between art and spectacle. Art is real life - it's a Picasso, or a Bach Cantata. It has sentiment and its purpose is bred from life experiences. Spectacles are boybands and Cirque du Soleil - they are synthetic, made up forms of entertainment. Let me just say - it is very disappointing to go to a performance of Haydn's "Creation" only to see the choir lipsync. Not only is it difficult to watch, it also doesn't inspire me to sing in the choir.

W2W 2006

Sunday morning I rolled reluctantly out of bed at 6:10 to drive to Santa Cruz for the 2006 Wharf to Wharf race. http://www.wharftowharf.com It was well worth the early morning venture. The W2W is a 6 mile run, starting in Santa Cruz and ending in Capitola. Every year, those living along the race route support the runners by cheering, spraying them with garden hoses, giving out drinking water, or (my favorite) playing loud music on their front lawns. There were about 25 bands along the way, representing every genre you can think of: oldies, classical rock, punk, hip-hop, indie, marching band music, recorders. Some were cover bands, and some had original songs; some were good, some were pretty bad. My favorites were the SJSU Marching Band (representin' San Jo!), and a group called Noisy Neighbors. There is something to be said for the combination of music and sporting events. I'm inspired to do another race and start a girl band again... (but not together, silly!)

God deserves a major salary increase.

THE DEAN:
Leaps tall buildings with a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to God

THE DEPARTMENT CHAIR:
Leaps short buildings with a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Walks on calm water
Talks with God

A PROFESSOR:
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with God only occasionally

AN ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR:
Barely clears a Quonset hut
Loses a tug-of-war with a locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Talks with people who talk to God

AN ASSISTANT PROFESSOR:
Makes high marks on the wall when attempting a leap over
Is run over by locomotive
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Treads water
Talks to animals

LECTURER:
Climbs the walls continually
Rides the rails
Plays Russian Roulette
Walks on thin ice
Prays a lot

A GRADUATE STUDENT:
Runs into buildings
Recognizes a locomotive two out of three times
Must not be issued ammunition
Can stay afloat with a life jacket
Talks to the walls

AN UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT:
Falls over doorsteps
Says “Look a the cho-cho”
Wets himself with a water pistol
Plays in puddles
Talks to himself

THE DEPARTMENT ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANT:
Lifts tall buildings and walks under them
Kicks locomotives off the tracks
Catches bullets in his or her teeth and eats them
Freezes water with a single glance
Is God

English ruiners

There are a few mistakes we all make as English speakers (especially American English speakers) i.e. the ever-so-popular preposition at the end of a sentence, or doing "good" as opposed to doing "well". It's inevitable that our language will eventually be completely bastardized, but that doesn't make it less annoying. Please feel free to add to this list of English ruiners. :)



Ruiner #1: Instant messenger shortcuts.
If you know how to type, as you should in this technological age, there is nothing difficult about hitting a SHIFT or punctuation key every once in awhile. I understand the need to shorten a one sentence message, but unfortunately these shortcuts are creeping into other written forms of communication and the context is being lost.

Ruiner #2: Spelling words incorrectly for "flare."
Often "ch" does tend to make the same sound as a "k", but the word "school" is not spelled "skool" and should never be spelled that way. It should especially never be spelled incorrectly when you are writing about a place of education. I've been meaning to write to the owners of Cinderella's Playskool on Maryland Parkway in Las Vegas for quite some time now. If you're going to spell it incorrectly, why don't you spell it "Sinderela?"

Ruiner#3: Instead of telling you what I really think...
I'll give you the "nice" version. I could just tell you what I really think of you, and get it out of the way, but instead I will use phrases like, “No offense, but…” Or perhaps the sneaky, manipulative approach to get you to see things from my point of view. I mean, don’t you agree that the world would be a better place if we could just get our feeling out in the open. You’ve gotta admit I'm right about this.

Ruiner #4: Please people. Just proof-read!
Everyone makes mistakes, but it only takes a couple of minutes. Misspelling your name at the top of a resume is unacceptable, even if Spellcheck autocorrected it for you. And, if you DO misspell your name, then THAT is your name. Just go with it. All things intended to be read by many people should be proof-read. This includes resumes, business signs, blogs, invitations, etc. etc. (I'm sure you are going through my blog right now, ready to pick out all of my mistakes, right?)

Ruiner #5: Whenever. Whatever!
"Whenever I was in high school..." means that you were in high school at least two times or it means you should go back to school and review your grammar book.

Ruiner #6: To be, or not to be.
Probably NOT to be. "Be" should usually be replaced with either "am" or "is."

I love the German language

While on a run/walk in my neighborhood yesterday, I had the most interesting conversation in German - with myself. I'm so ashamed. I don't come in contact with a lot of German speakers in the Bay Area, and when the opportunity to speak German arises, I end up worrying about my ablilities and the conversation reverts back to English. I spent all of that time learning a language that I now never use, except in conversations with myself. Lame.

Anyhoo - Ich habe den gefolgeten Email von einen Freunden gekriegt, und hoffe ihr findet es auch lustig. (I received the following email from a friend, and hope you also find it funny.)

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will bethe official language of the European Union rather than German, which was theother possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that Englishspelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in planthat would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make thesivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k".This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome"ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reachthe stage where! more komplikated changes are possible. Governments willenkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent toakurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in thelanguag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z"and "w" with "v."

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" andafter ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mortrubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza.

Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al bespeking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

The Iowa Way to Treat You

As much as I consider myself to be Californian, the "Iowa Way" frequently creeps it's way into my lifestyle. I still enjoy tuna casserole on occasion, think it's silly to argue whether soda pop is "soda" or "pop", and marvel at the problems Californians have when driving in the rain.

Last summer, after a trip back home during the famous Iowa State Fair and watching the movie/musical "The Music Man" 500 times, I couldn't help but make a comparison between myself and the heroine Marian Paroo (Shirley Jones). I'm sorry, this is really geeky.


NAME -- Marian : Suzanne
AGE -- 26 : 26
HAIR -- blonde : blonde
EYES -- blue : blue
HEIGHT -- petite : 5'4''
WEIGHT -- difficult to tell with large costume dresses : nice ladies don't discuss such things
NATIONALITY -- Irish : mostly Irish
HOMETOWN -- River City, IA : Lenox, IA
VOICE TYPE -- Soprano : Soprano
OCCUPATION -- Librarian (don't you DARE speak loudly) : Administrative Asst. (don't you DARE call me a secretary)
HOBBIES -- Music, complaining, drinking phosphates : Music, complaining, drinking gin and tonic
LIKES CHILDREN -- Yes - teaches music lessons : Yes - teaches music classes
FORMER BOYFRIEND -- "Heroically ran the Streetcar" : Heroically drove a tank in Kosovo
LAST DATE -- Traveling salesman : Traveling tech consultant

Muerte Las Vegas!?

It's been almost 2 years since I left Sin City, but it seems like only yesterday that I was pissed off and bitter. Read and enjoy!

Just a typical workday.

It's about 6:00 and I’m crossing the parking lot to head to the bus stop. 2 scantily-clothed girls with boobjobs and too much make-up are getting out of a shiny, black Mercedes Benz. I don’t pay too much attention – these girls are everywhere. The sight of fakeness doesn’t even faze me anymore. But, one of them is now screaming and on the ground, being punched in the ribs by a dark figure in jeans and a T-shirt. She’s screaming, her friend is looking on with tears in her eyes – she doesn’t know what to do. In a flash – he’s off, running across the lot down the street. The friend rushes to her friend, and a police car has turned on his lights. I look to the left and right – there are at least 10 people looking on, but staying back from the sight. They say their “Oh Mys" and walk away. A gentleman and his wife decide to approach the scene, and I’m right behind them ready to help out. The girl is still on the ground, pulls herself up, grabbing her ribs and crying so that her dark MAC make-up is streaming down her plastic cheeks. Her friend holds her close, both of them crying. The man and his wife approach – he is an off-duty police officer. At this point, I don’t know what I’m still doing there. Another police car comes back around the corner, and mall security is involved. I ask if I should stick around, and mall security tells me they would like to ask me some questions. I feel ridiculous that I’m the only other person, other than the officer, who stuck around. My testimony was not helpful to the officers – they were right around the corner and saw exactly what I saw. I am released from my duties on site.

The first thing the police asks, “Do you know who attacked you?”
“Yes,” she says, “It’s my f#$%ing ex-boyfriend. He took my f#$%ing cell phone.”
“What did he want?”
“I don’t know, he took my cell phone and ran. F#$%, my ribs hurt.” She is still crying, her friend supportively rubbing her back.

Domestic violence is the #1 crime to affect Las Vegas residents. Seems to me, the second you become a Las Vegan, the more prone you are to being beat up by someone you are in a relationship with. Don’t worry about being beat up in an alley by a bunch of hoodlums – look out for your friend, boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands…. Or more specifically, your ex-friends, ex-boy/girlfriends, ex-husbands/wives… those are the people who might just put a cap in your ass. Don’t piss anyone off because everyone is out for themselves. If they don’t like you, they will take action. People don’t like to be hurt, abused, or pay for you to get a boob job only to get dumped. Pay for yourself – get your own job and pay for your own boob job – don’t ask friends for money. Just rip of perfect strangers and tourists, and for god’s sake, you’d better hope they don’t see you again. The drunker they are the better, because the more of a fuzz they will be in when you take them for all they are worth. This is why being a cocktail waitress in Vegas can be such a good job – you rip them off and you never see them again. If they follow you out of work, wanting you for sex, you only have to fear them for a week. Then they will be back at their jobs in Chicago and LA and you’ll just have to worry about someone new following you out to your car.

I could have been their personal savior.

A week before I left Las Vegas, I thought it would be funny, when confronted by people in public or on the bus, to tell them exactly what I thought they should do.

Comment: “My brother is on crack, and he took my dog.”
My response:“You should turn your brother in and send him to jail in hopes of rehabilitation.”

Comment: “I don’t like Mexicans – they smell.”
My response: “Actually, you smell, and those Mexicans have your job because they are smarter and more industrious than you are. So deal with it.”

I probably could have been the personal savior to these people by telling them exactly what I think. I probably would have been killed, or been extremely scared of being mobbed, but had I survived, I could have lived comfortably with the fact that these people even thought about my good advice, thus changing their lives forever. Even if the people just think about the stupid things they say would be a world of improvement. Maybe they would refrain from talking to strangers who don’t really give a shit on the bus.

Coming full circle

What is the Quarter-Life Crisis?

The quarter-life crisis is the time you your life in which you realize that the first decisions you made as an adult are either not easy to deal with, or were not very good decisions, and you have no one to blame but yourself.

I would like to site the following examples:

1.) Going to school out of state, and then realizing you’ve racked up a 10 year debt.
2.) Studying something you have a passion for, unfortunately leaving you with no skills for a profitable profession.
3.) Moving to a foreign country for “true love,” then wondering if there is such a thing.
4.) Trying your hand at management in Sin City, then finding your tolerance for the world is low and your tolerance for alcohol is high.

I don’t know who , in their right mind, would do some of these pathetic things (sigh), but they are decisions that 20-somethings tend to make, thus leading into the QUARTER-LIFE CRISIS.
In retrospect I believe that the quarter-life crisis, for myself, was part of coming full circle as a person -- not just simply a segment of time in my life. I thought about the word “crisis” and what that could actually mean. Then, an explanation came to me in the voice of Tula’s father in “My Big Fat Greek Wedding:”

The root of the word, “crisis” comes from the German word “Kreise” meaning “circle” – and there you go.”

20-somethings are so into themselves, their own wants and needs that they tend to make life choices in denial of the world around them. So, back to the German translation – when you switch the “I” and “E” in the word “Kreise” (circle) the word becomes “Kriese” which is the direct translation for the English word “crisis.” When you put yourself, or the “I” before the reality of the world, you tend to cause problems for yourself. Ah ha! We have come full circle yet again!